It is the hair you didn't want your parents to know you had. It caused moments of awkwardness if it sprung too early, and embarrassment if the season passed and you were still as bare as a baby. Pubic hair. It's curly, it's coily, dark, soft, brown and in some cases even red. Some of us choose to trim it as if it were a garden topiary, and some of us let it grow like a Serenghetti plain. It even can host its own critters. When one thinks of pubic hair, it's most often on the rim of a toilet seat, on a wet floor, or maybe even in your favorite brush (don't ask). Besides this article, "pubic hair" rarely comes up in conversation at the dinner table...
Son: "I got my pubes trimmed today..."
Mom: "Oh really? And how was that?"
In a word, pubic hair is often... "unsexy."
However, in the age of Paris Hilton and girls showing a thong covered ass-crack, unsexy is often now...sexy. Enter the talented team of Domenico Dolce and Stefano Gabbana. The designer two-some have unveiled their 2005-2006 fall/winter collection along with a controversial advertising campaign. It would seem that the gay duo, otherwise known as Dolce & Gabbana, have given new meaning to "happy trails." During a fashion preview, they "gay-dolized" the catwalk with images of muscular adonis wearing jeans in what are now being referred to as..."pubic pants." And these pants...well...they make Abercrombie's display of hidden homoerotic tendencies look innocent. Plunging neckline? How about plunging Adonis V-Muscle?
So what am I bitching about? You'd think I would be happy to view the treasure trail which would make any pirate jealous. "X" marks the spot, right? Unlike Britney, gay men have never pretended to be innocent. We've been exposing flesh for years. Fashion has always been ruled by the homo-elite and this is just the culmination of a culture that has been influenced by Madonna, Abercrombie, "Sex & The City" and "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy."
The problem I have is that the media has seized hold of this ad and has implied that it is a "back-to-school" ad. I don't know about you, but I do not see any lockers, notebooks or an apple for the teacher (click on ad above to enlarge image). I can't imagine a male teen telling their parents they'd like a pair of "pubic pants" as part of their back-to-school wardrobe. Yet, in defense of all things "pubic", the media has not been able to distinquish that this ad is an exaggeration of the style the pants are meant to be worn. Other than Samantha Jones, I don't know anyone who would proudly travel the streets displaying a "full bush." Or do I? During the runway show, most of the models sported a more trimmed approach to their distressed jeans and there wasn't a "pubic" to be seen.
My other problem? I have a feeling these jeans will end up on the wrong ass. Just like with women, there will be those men who will try to squeeze, shift and pull anything to get into a pair of this latest denim masterpiece. It is for this reason that I despise songs like Christina Aguilerra's "Beautiful." It's anthems like that which seem to disillusion a great many...you know kind of like that tale as old as time, "Beauty & The Beast?" During "Beautiful's" reign on radio, gay men of all sizes flocked to the dance floor. They believed and continue to believe that "they are beautiful, no matter what they say..." Honey! Words can't bring them down!
No, but a burger and fries will!
Nothing is beautiful about a male "fupa*" on display! I don't care if it (the fupa) is covered in Dolce & Gabanna or not! Sadly, the realistic peach in me says, "don't count on seeing these jeans on anyone which resembles the muscular models on the runway." We devour Ben & Jerry's instead of carrots and celery. The four basic food groups? Huh?
Is the public ready for pubic? I do not know. Maybe in a place called Chelsea or West Hollywood. Perhaps after being photographed by the paparazzi this summer, Jude Law might even want to consider a pair...or maybe not. But I'm here to bitch and not make predictions. Whether it comes off as a manicured patch or a field of weeds, pubic hair is often thought of as unclean. And unfortunately that is the image you risk as you parade through a fine dining establishment showcasing your "alphalpha sprouts."
* Fupa - The Urban Dictionary defines it as: "Fat Upper Pubic Area." In other words, the backwards ass.
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